


Hallucinations

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hallucinations, M/M, References to attempted non-con/dub-con, That didn't get very far at all I promise, Winchesters need to learn how to talk to each other, allusions to torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 03:18:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3554072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After taking out Famine, Sam has to go through detox.  Dean's struggling, but Castiel wants to help any way he can.  And, when you get down to it, what's a hallucination but a dream you have while awake?<br/>Teen rating for allusions to torture (nothing graphic) and language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sam Winchester

The slamming door sounded somewhat ominous to Castiel, and he turned to Dean. “How long will he be in there?”

Dean shrugged as he went to set up a chair near something he could use as a table for a beer. “How the hell should I know? It’s not like I’ve done this before. Last time, Sammy busted out before it was finished. A few days?” He dropped heavily into the chair and stared at the door. “You don’t have to stick around, unless you think he needs a guard.”

Castiel leaned quietly against the wall next to the door, letting one hand come to rest on the door itself. “I’m staying. Not to guard, Sam doesn’t need one this time. I’m quite certain last time won’t repeat itself.”

“Yeah?” Dean scoffed. “How do you know?”

“Because I am no longer taking Heaven’s orders,” Castiel said, bowing his head to avoid seeing the moment it clicked for Dean. “Lucifer and Michael can’t find him. And Sam himself wants to be clean. He’ll fight harder, question more.”

Dean’s voice was cold. “Wanting wasn’t enough.”

It wasn’t fair, and Castiel wished he knew how to make his friend understand the magnitude of what had happened that night. “Dean, you didn’t feel the pull. Jimmy hasn’t been in this body for months, yet I still lost myself to his desire for red meat. Sam tried to stay clean. He fought, and when he couldn’t fight alone, he had us lock him up. In Famine’s presence, he said no to more. Where he got the strength, I can’t imagine. You should be proud of Sam.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Dean sighed. “He’s still locked up in there because he still has that weakness. ‘Snot like Lucifer has any shortage of demons to bleed if that’s what it takes to turn Sam.”

A scream from Sam cut the conversation short as Castiel’s attention turned from Dean. He pressed his hand into the door, wishing there was more he could do for the man who had saved them all.

 

The all-too-familiar teen stared at Sam, judgment all over his face. He’d really been a little shit back then, and he owed Dean and his dad medals for not having slapped him senseless sometimes. “So this is what we become? A junkie who cares more about his drug than his family?”

“I know you’re disappointed,” Sam said, trying to find whatever reserve of patience Dean had always managed to draw from. “But you’ll make the same decisions, because you have the same mindset. Anything for Dean, because he’d do the same for us. And yeah, maybe it is a weakness. Ruby sure exploited it masterfully. But we’ve tried the alternative, kid. Dean and Cas and Bobby may be weaknesses, but they’re also our strength.” Teen!Sam looked completely incredulous. “Look, why were we so determined not to hunt?”

The kid shrugged. “We didn’t wanna become Dad. But Dad had us. Not seeing how this is better.”

“We were Dad’s weakness, and he was ours, but he wouldn’t let us be his strength. With Dean and Bobby, it’s a two-way street.”

“What about Cas?” the kid asked, and Sam was glad for the restraints that kept him from slapping his younger self.

“Cas would do anything for Dean, which means looking out for his little brother,” Sam said, shaking his head. “What do you want me to say, here? I’m the boy with the demon blood, of course I’m not gonna be Cas’s weakness. Look, I know this isn’t the life you want, kid. I don’t want this either. This was me being weak. So either tell me what I could have done differently this time, or go away.”

 

Half a conversation rarely makes sense, but Castiel had picked up on something that he couldn’t imagine a context that would make it make sense. He looked over at Dean. “Does he truly believe that?”

“What, that we’re each other’s weakness? Yeah, like he said. We’d do anything for each other and the demons and angels and more intelligent monsters know that.” He gave Castiel a weird look. “You were there. You saw how Ruby exploited it.”

Ruby was still exploiting it, in Castiel’s opinion. But that was beside the point. “Not that. That is perfectly true, although it’s your strength as well – as long as you’re together. It’s only when you separate that it becomes a weakness.”

“What, then?” Dean asked.

“That I don’t feel that way about him. That it’s only for you that I bother with him at all.”

“Well, yeah,” Dean said, looking even more confused now. “You telling me he’s wrong?”

“He is wrong,” Castiel said without hesitation. “Perhaps, last year, he wasn’t. But since Ilchester, he’s the Sam I recognize from his prayers and your thoughts, and I have changed enough to appreciate that.”

Dean stared hard at Cas. “Tell Sam that.”

“I will, when he’s in a place to hear it,” Castiel said, turning his head toward the panic room. “He’s sleeping. You should be, too. I’ll stay here with Sam, he will not wake up alone.”

Dean hesitated, but eventually said, “Yeah, okay. Just a few hours. Wake me up if Sammy needs something, got it?”

“Of course.”

 

Only a couple hours later, Sam awakened with a scream. “Sam?” Cas opened the door to go to his friend. “Sam, you’re awake, no one is hurting you.”

When Sam turned and caught Castiel’s eyes, he calmed down a little. Enough to speak, anyway. “Cas! I thought you’d have gone back to your search for God.”

“Not until you’re free of this poison,” Castiel said. “You saved me at the expense of going through this. I will not leave you to deal with it alone.”

Sam looked away with a disbelieving huff. “Yeah, if I’d taken the blood because it was the only way to save you and Dean, I might believe that. I took it because it was there.”

Once again, Castiel fought the impatience with the Winchester inability to recognize miracles when they performed them. “Sam, you stood in Famine’s presence and denied your hunger. We all have weaknesses. You showed an incredible strength as well.”

For a moment, Sam glowed with the praise. It faded, replaced with a mixture of irritation and amusement. “This is a new tactic. I’d have thought the blood would use you to remind me… I dunno, how I lost my faith or have no chance at salvation or I’m an idiot when it comes to love and trust or something. Not to reassure me and try to make me feel better.”

“And if you hallucinate me, that probably is what you’ll hear,” Castiel said, wondering whether he would feel better or worse if Sam never hallucinated him. “I am no hallucination, Sam, I’m real. You’re awake and lucid. While you are, I’d like to ask what I can do to help you get through this.”

Sam didn’t answer right away, but finally said, “Dean says you sometimes show up in his dreams. Can you do that with anyone, or just him?”

“I can enter any human’s dreams,” Cas said, wondering what Sam was thinking.

“Do you… would it work with hallucinations?” Sam asked hesitantly.

“I don’t know,” Castiel had to admit. It should, he supposed; dreams and hallucinations were both projections of the brain. “I can try, if you like.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, and some of the tension bled out of his body. “Maybe if you’re there, you can make me believe it’s not really Bobby saying to lose his number, or Dean calling me a monster. It hurt bad enough when they said those things for real. Although Bobby wasn’t real, that was Meg, but I didn’t know that at the time.”

That startled Cas. “When did Dean call you a monster? Excluding childhood teasing, of course.”

Sam closed his eyes, and Castiel regretted asking. “There was a voicemail, right before I went after Lilith. He said I was a monster and he was done trying to save me.”

“No, he didn’t,” Castiel said, wrath flaring as it did all too often since his rebellion. “I was with him when he called you. He said he wasn’t your father and you were still his brother.”

“I know what I heard, Cas. If it wasn’t Dean…”

“Zachariah, maybe. I can’t say for sure.” Or he would be seeking the smug, petty angel out to run a blade through his heart. “But not Dean.”

Sam looked to the panic room door, but Cas could still see the tears that came to his eyes. “Where is Dean, anyway?”

“When you fell asleep, I sent him to do the same,” Castiel said. “I’ll get him if you wish to speak with him.”

“No, let him sleep,” Sam said as he looked back toward Cas. “There’s not much he can do for me, so there’s no reason for him to sit out there and listen to me scream and plead and deal with whatever the blood does to me. Hell, I don’t see any reason you should be here either.”

Of course the frustrating man saw no reason for Dean or Cas to look after him. “Dean and I are here because if there is anything we can do to ease your suffering or speed your recovery, we want to. Even if all we end up being able to do is make sure you know you are loved and watched over. You should sleep, if you can. Are you hungry?”

“After that nightmare, I’m up for a while. I figure just about the time I’ve calmed down enough to sleep, I’ll get hit with another hallucination. I can already feel the blood going after me physically. Not really hungry, and even if I were, the blood wouldn’t let me keep anything down.” Sam gave Cas a forced smile. “I’m sorry, Cas. I hate this.”

“Understandably,” Castiel said. It was just like Sam to apologize for being tortured. “But you’ve already proved that this is a weakness you can overcome.” He wanted to say so much more, but Sam’s eyes lost focus as he started pulling against his restraints. Castiel reached out, putting two fingers to Sam’s forehead, but it wasn’t a hallucination. He went back out to wait, noting with frustration the noises that sounded like Sam holding back screams.


	2. Alastair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, now what’s this?” Alastair said, a smile creeping onto his face as he selected a knife. “Castiel, here? This could be more fun than I was expecting.”

The screaming fit was still going when Dean got back. “How long’s he been like that?” he asked.

“Three hours, more or less,” Castiel said. “He woke up screaming from a nightmare and had a few moments of peace before this started.”

“You shoulda woke me,” Dean said. “Don’t want Sammy thinking he’s fighting this alone.”

“I was here,” Castiel reminded his friend, somewhat hurt. “I offered to wake you, but Sam said to let you sleep.”

“Course he did.” Dean gave a somewhat derisive snort. “Look, I’m good to take a shift, you should take a break.”

Why should he take a break? “I’m not leaving Sam. You had to, you’re human and require food and sleep. Sam would be far more upset if you starved and exhausted yourself instead of leaving him alone for a few hours. I require neither.”

Dean shrugged. “Maybe not, but you have other crap to do, search for God and all, you don’t need to babysit him.”

“I know. I have no leads that are promising or time-sensitive enough that I would be able to focus on something besides my concern for Sam. If I left, my mind would still be here.” Dean was looking at him skeptically, but Sam suddenly went quiet, and Castiel concentrated on Sam’s mindscape, disappearing into it.

 

Sam didn’t pretend to be surprised when Alastair showed up. “Well, this is a pleasure,” Alastair purred as he looked over his cart of torture implements. “I knew, just knew, that I would get another crack at you. You’re just too weak to say no, aren’t you? Honestly, the only surprise is that I had to wait so long. Your big brother must be giving up on you, if you’re only just now here.”

“Just shut up,” Sam snarled. “Get on with it, the blood can only keep me seeing you for so long. You want a crack at me, don’t waste your time.”

“Sam.”

“Oh, now what’s this?” Alastair said, a smile creeping onto his face as he selected a knife. “Castiel, here? This could be more fun than I was expecting.” He moved to Sam and looked him over. “Sammy is hallucinating a comforter, but really Sam, an angel? Is your life so barren of love that Castiel is who you turn to? Whatever _has_ become of Dean?”

Castiel put a hand on Sam’s shoulder as Alastair began cutting. “I am no hallucination, Sam. I’m real, and I’m here to help you.” The contact was helping, but not as effectively as it could. Castiel reached for Sam’s hand instead, for the direct contact with Sam. “In your mind, you are more powerful than I; I cannot stop Alastair from doing whatever he pleases. I can take the pain from you and keep you distracted, though. I’m curious, why Alastair? Because of what he did to Dean?”

“Maybe,” Sam said. “I mean, Alastair’s supposed to be the best at torture, right? And I think there was some sort of shift in me when I killed him, like that was the line between using demon blood and being addicted to it. When I stopped the first time, when Dean found out I was using my powers and made me promise to stop, I didn’t suffer anything like this. Between that and Dean’s history with him…”

“It does make sense,” Castiel agreed.

Alastair raised an eyebrow. “Your hallucination is very good, Sammy, but even you must know that the real angel would never hold your hand. He didn’t even want to shake it when you met, did he? And since then, he only touches you when he absolutely must. Do you really imagine his revulsion has gone away?” He poured a vial of saltwater over the cuts, and Sam screamed.

“Sam?” Castiel said, dread settling in his stomach. “Sam, I can help you, but you must have faith in me. Believe I’m real.”

“Sam thinks the angel likes him,” Alastair practically sang. “This is entertaining.”

Sam blinked a couple times. “Cas… maybe you should go? Before Alastair says something to turn you against me.”

“Sammy’s got a secret,” Alastair said in the same singsong voice.

Castiel ignored him, focused entirely on Sam. “There is little that could turn me against you, Sam. Still, if you would prefer to endure the pain Alastair will inflict than watch him taunt me, I’m here to make this as easy as possible for you.”

“If only you knew what Sammy really thinks of you…” Alastair said.

Sam flinched. “Go. Please, Cas.”

 

As soon as Castiel returned to the basement outside the panic room, Dean was in his face. “Where were you? I can’t hear much of what Sammy’s saying without your amplification, but I heard him saying your name.”

Castiel tilted his head, wondering what Dean was so upset about. After all, the man had been encouraging him to go. “I was attempting to help Sam from inside his hallucination, as I sometimes communicate with you in a dream. Then Alastair started talking, trying to convince Sam I wasn’t real or turn me against him.” Dean’s face filled with rage at the mention of Alastair. “Sam was worried that there was a secret Alastair could reveal that could succeed. He asked me to leave, and I obliged.”

“The hell was Alastair gonna say?” Dean asked.

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know. It may not have been anything at all, Alastair just wanted me gone. The last thing he said before Sam asked me to go was something about what Sam truly thinks of me.” After having learned that Sam didn’t know just how much Castiel valued him, that had Cas worried, but he didn’t want to think about it too much.

Dean’s flinch wasn’t helping. “Yeah, nothing good could follow that. That’s something you should hear from Sam, not from Sam’s corrupted torture-y part. Pretty sure it wouldn’t turn you against him, just make things kinda awkward.”

“But Sam probably won’t tell me,” Castiel said.

“Probably not. He’s stubborn that way.” Dean shrugged.

 

When the screaming finally subsided, Dean opened the window. “Sammy?”

“Hey, Dean,” Sam rasped. “Can you get me some water?”

“Yeah, no problem,” Dean said, opening the door. He grabbed a bottle of water and twisted off the list. Castiel undid the restraints on Sam’s arms and offered him a hand to pull himself up to sitting. “Alastair, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m better at withstanding the physical stuff than the psychological so the real mindfucks won’t start until later.” He took the bottle from Dean and sipped carefully. “Cas? Were you really there or part of the hallucination?”

“I was real,” Castiel said. “Do you want me to try again on the next one?”

Sam nodded as he took a bigger gulp. “As long as you bail if I ask.” He stared at the water, taking another long swallow before adding, “Hey, uh… about what Alastair was saying… I mean, I don’t know for sure what he was gonna say. Demons lie, so demon blood probably does too, right? But I trust and respect you enough to invite you into my head when I know you’ll see the worst my brain has to offer. I don’t think there’s a way to misconstrue that.”

Cas felt a weight lift from his chest. “No, I can’t imagine there is. What he said about not touching you…”

Sam waved him off. “That handshake was a different Castiel, and you’re the same with Dean and Bobby. Don’t worry about it.

“Still, you should know it has nothing at all to do with you,” Castiel said, insistent that Sam understand.

Dean looked between them. “Do I even wanna know?”

Sam laughed a little, staring at the nearly-empty water bottle. “If we don’t tell you, you’re just gonna make up worse crap to tease me about.”

“I couldn’t prevent Alastair from doing whatever he liked, but I could remove Sam’s pain – if I was in physical contact with him. The best way I could see to maintain that was to take his hand,” Castiel explained.

One eyebrow shot up, but all Dean said was, “Well.”

“So Alastair tried to convince me Cas wasn’t real. It worked for a little bit, sorry, Cas,” Sam said.

Castiel shrugged. “If you hadn’t decided I was real, you wouldn’t have asked me to leave.”

“Yeah.” Sam finished off the water and handed Dean the empty bottle before laying back down. “I’m gonna try to get some more sleep. You’ll restrain me again?”

Dean did the actual honors, brushing Sam’s hair out of his face before leading Cas back out of the panic room and locking the door. “Cas, you’ve been here like twelve hours straight. You sure you don’t wanna…”

“I’m sure. I do not require anything and I want to be here if he needs something.” Castiel wondered just how many times he’d have to explain this.

“Fine. I’m gonna…”

He was cut off by the sound of the chair lift Bobby and Dean had rigged up when they’d realized Bobby couldn’t get to his own panic room. Bobby arrived with a tray of food balanced precariously on his lap and a thermos. “This is for Sam, food’s a problem but he should be able to drink chicken broth. Rest of it’s for us. Saw Dean got some sleep, you had a chance to take off, Cas?”

“I haven’t left, nor do I plan to,” Castiel said, trying not to sound too irritated. “Not until this is over.”

“Huh.” Bobby grabbed one of the hamburgers as Dean moved the tray to a table. “Keepin’ an eye on Dean to make sure the idjit eats and sleeps?”

Now Castiel was beyond irritated. “Why is it so surprising to everyone that I wish to look after Sam?” he snapped, frustration bleeding into his voice. “Quite aside from him having saved my life at great cost to himself, Sam is of great import to me.”

“Tell Sam that,” Dean said. “Sam needs to hear it more than we do.”

Castiel shook his head. “How can he not know? After Anna…”

“It’s Sam,” Dean said, as if that should explain everything. In a way, it did. Still, Castiel was grateful when Dean elaborated. “He’s still beating himself down over the original demon blood, and that kid believed for most of his life that angels are infinitely good and holy creatures. Meeting you guys should have destroyed that, and for the most part it did, but sometimes it’s still there. Especially for you. The one thing he’s managed to fully shake is the idea of angels as merciful or forgiving. So he believes that you are literally too good to waste your time on demon-tainted filth like him. After what you’ve already done for me, he can rationalize everything you’ve ever done for him as actually being for me. Even protecting him from Anna.”

The words shook the angel, although they weren’t entirely surprising. “Sam is far too hard on himself. Of course, the three of us don’t help much, do we.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean snarled.

“The way you looked at him when he came in against Famine. For once, Sam did everything exactly right, including having us handcuff him to a sink because the pull was getting too strong. Can you blame him for not being able to see the good in himself when all he ever hears anymore from those closest to him is judgment and criticism? It’s a dangerous path. If he doesn’t believe there’s a place in his world for Sam Winchester to be wanted, it makes it that much easier to say yes the next time Lucifer asks.”

“So, what,” Dean growled. “I’m just supposed to forget that he chose a demon over me? I’ve tried, Cas. God knows I’ve tried. And I can’t do it.”

“I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do,” Castiel protested. “I am just pointing out its effect on Sam. I am as guilty of it as you are, and now that I understand that, I hope to change it.”

“So I’m a terrible brother because I can’t forget and forgive,” Dean snarled. “A _demon_ , Cas! He chose a demon!”

“And Ruby’s strategy of sowing discord and misunderstandings between the two of you is _still_ working. She succeeded in driving you apart and weakening you both for the Apocalypse,” Cas said, voice a mixture of bitterness and regret. “Think of how you and Sam were the year before you died. Ruby couldn’t get between you, couldn’t even begin to turn Sam until there were only hours left for you. If the two of you were still that united, Michael and Lucifer would have no chance at all. As it is, Sam’s barely holding on. You’re weakening a little more every day. But you are both fighters, you both have exceptionally strong wills. When Sam turned, it was because the one person supporting him was taking advantage of your absence to lead him astray. Even when you returned, she’d gotten her wedge in, kept enough distance between the two of you to continue her work. If you’re the one beside Sam, if he can draw his strength from you, he will never fall to Lucifer. If you can’t do it, there is no blame. You have been badly hurt, there are good reasons for you not to have that kind of faith in your brother. But if you can’t, I will. If I can convince Sam to let me. And I hope that you can find faith in me to lead your brother away from Lucifer’s path.”

Dean and Bobby were both staring at him now. Under their scrutiny, Castiel took a step back, placing a hand on the panic room door. “Sam still sleeping?” Dean asked. Castiel nodded, not able to find his voice. “Nightmare?”

“Not that I know of.” Castiel concentrated on Sam. “There’s no change from when we left, at least not that I can sense.”

Bobby collected the plates and the tray, setting the thermos on the table. “Don’t forget to give that to Sam next time there’s a chance,” he said gruffly, heading back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bobby is the kind of guy who builds a demon-proof panic room because he has a free weekend. I refuse to believe he didn't rig up something to make it so he could get to it if he needed to.


	3. John Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I couldn’t have saved you, but I could’ve put a bullet in your brain the second I learned about the demon blood. I should have the second I learned about your visions. Even when I learned about Ruby, wouldn’t have been too late for you to die human."

The silence between the angel and his charge was heavy. Castiel didn’t understand what was wrong, and wished Dean would say something. Finally, it got too loud for the hunter to bear, and he said, “So you’re just gonna replace me, be Sam’s new and improved brother?”

“No. That would be impossible. Sam will _always_ put you first, look to you when he’s in trouble.” Not for the first time, Castiel wondered how the brothers could be this insecure about their need for each other. “It would be far more accurate to call me the new and, I hope, improved Ruby.”

Dean snorted, but his mood did appear to lighten. “You know he was sleeping with her, right?”

“I am aware of that aspect of their relationship, yes,” Castiel said with a puzzled look toward Dean. “I don’t understand why you would bring that up, though.”

“Nothing, never mind, should’ve realized that one would fly over your head,” Dean said, but the angry frown was almost entirely gone. Castiel wanted to respond, but was prevented from doing so by Sam’s voice.

“Hey, dad. Been a while.”

 

“So Dean didn’t do his job,” John was saying as Castiel arrived. “I should’ve stayed and let him go. I couldn’t have saved you, but I could’ve put a bullet in your brain the second I learned about the demon blood. I should have the second I learned about your visions. Even when I learned about Ruby, wouldn’t have been too late for you to die human. Of course, we’d never have gotten to Ruby. I’d have left you dead when that army man killed you. Now I’ve got two failures of sons. Damn you, Sammy, I always knew there wasn’t much hope for you, but did you have to drag Dean down with you?”

Sam looked up from his cot, glaring at John although he was still somewhat bleary from sleep. “I’m not the one who nearly broke him by selling my life for his and leaving him with orders to kill the only family he had left. I’m not the one who raised us to depend on each other so much that Dean was willing to sell his soul for me – and by the way, I’m not the one who taught him that move.”

Cas moved quietly to sit by Sam, putting a hand on his friend’s arm as John continued his rant. “No, you’re just the one who got himself shot so Dean had to, the one who blew off his last request and got addicted to demon blood, and, oh, yes, started the goddamn Apocalypse!” He looked between his son and the new arrival. “What the hell is this?”

“Hey, Cas,” Sam said softly before turning his attention back to his father. “This is Cas. He’s Dean’s friend.”

“And yours as well,” Castiel added in a quiet voice meant only for Sam.

“No, _what_ the hell,” John growled. “I don’t care who he is, he isn’t human.”

“No, he’s an angel,” Sam snarled back. “And if you even think about hunting him, I will break out of these restraints and make you sorry you did.”

An ugly look came over John’s face. “Oh so that’s how it is. Dean’s friend my ass, not with the way he’s lookin’ at you. What the hell, humans aren’t good enough for the Boy-King?”

Sam looked as confused as Castiel felt. “Dad, what the hell are you talking about?”

John started pacing in front of the bed. “Newsflash, Sammy, no angel would bother with the likes of you. Sure, he might give you a tumble, which don’t think that part of it isn’t yet another way you’ve found to make me ashamed to be your father, but really? You think an angel would ever look at you the way you’re hallucinating he is?”

Sam looked to Cas and back to his father, still confused. “Okay, for starters, Cas isn’t a hallucination. Angels can go into dreams and hallucinations. Again, what the _hell_ are you talking about? Cas always looks… like…” Cas could see the moment Sam thought he understood. “Oh god no, Dad, this better not be what I think it is.”

“That’s _exactly_ what I’m thinkin’, Sammy.” Sam dropped his head back onto the cot, thunking it a few times. “I’d tell you to stick to your own kind, but then again, what’s that? Human still? Or are you more demon than man now? Word is your last lay was a demon.”

Sam shot a fearful glance at Castiel, looking somewhat reassured when he saw that Castiel was still as confused as ever. “Sam, he’s the blood trying to get to you,” Castiel said, applying just a little bit more pressure to Sam’s arm. “I have no idea what the two of you are talking about, but for once, it doesn’t seem to be bad. I didn’t know your father, but if he had such low hopes for you, he wouldn’t have bothered to try to save you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said, and Cas was relieved to see the small smile. “For dad, this is actually a reasonably pleasant conversation. Except for how he’s threatening you.”

Hoping not to be asked to leave again, Cas reminded Sam, “He can’t hurt me.”

“I can try.” John drew a gun from his jacket and shot Cas in the chest. Cas looked placidly at the bullethole, then back to Sam.

Sam was struggling against his restraints. “Dad! Stop! What the _hell!_ ”

Cas tightened his grip on Sam’s arm just a little bit more. “Sam, I have been shot many times, including by Dean. I’m quite all right.”

“Still doesn’t make it okay for dad to _shoot_ you!” Sam shouted.

Trying to calm the man down, Cas reached over and grabbed Sam’s other arm. John shot a few more rounds into Cas, who ignored them and continued trying to calm his friend. Sam flinched at each shot, but let Cas hold him down without too much struggle.

“Okay, maybe I can’t hurt you with bullets,” John finally admitted. “But I bet I know how to hurt you.” He walked around to where Castiel would have to see him. Lifting the gun without hesitation, he put two bullets into Sam’s head.

 

Dean straightened up when Castiel reappeared outside the panic room. “I have to admit, Dad probably would’ve taken a couple shots at you on general principle.”

“So did you,” Cas said with a shrug.

“Yeah, true. What was Dad doing before that?” Dean asked.

“First he yelled at Sam for making you too weak to kill him when you failed to save him. Then he accused me of something you’ll have to have Sam explain, then shot me, then shot Sam,” Castiel summarized. “This hallucination felt oddly focused on me.”

“Must be helping then. What was the accusation like?” Dean asked.

“I told you, you’ll have to have Sam explain it.” Dean folded his arms and glared. “He didn’t accept Sam’s explanation that I was your friend, and he told Sam to stick to his own kind and that an angel wouldn’t look at him the way I was. If I was looking at him any differently than usual, I was unaware of it.”

Dean actually chuckled at that. “Man, I wish I could’ve seen Sam’s face when he realized what Dad was getting at, that’s awesome.”

“Cas? Dean?” Sam’s call was somewhat weak.

They went in to Sam, where Castiel looked Sam over carefully, hand hovering beside Sam’s temple. “How’s your head?”

“Pounding worse than going to a Metallica concert while hung over,” Sam said, and from Dean’s smirk Castiel suspected Sam spoke from experience. He touched his hand to Sam’s head, doing what he could to kill the pain.

“I hear Dad was throwing some innuendo around,” Dean said as he held up another bottle of water.

Sam shook his head. “Yeah, well then he shot me, so I’m not putting much stock in what he said. And I agree with Cas, at least it’s a different tactic than reminding me that the only reason he’s my friend is because of you.”

“Sam, that’s not true,” Castiel said, seizing the chance. “I am your friend because of my regard for you. While it’s true that if it weren’t for Dean I probably would have gone along with Heaven’s belief of you instead of giving you a chance to show me otherwise, you have more than proved yourself worthy of that chance and that Dean was right about you.”

“How?” Sam asked skeptically. “Demon blood, setting Lucifer free…”

“You said earlier that you thought a hallucinatory version of me would tell you that you have no chance at salvation. Is that a belief or a fear?” Cas asked.

“A belief, I guess,” Sam said, curiosity evident. “I mean, what could I possibly do that could make up for what I’ve done?”

“How many people in your situation would do as you are?” Castiel asked. “Most would just give up, give in to Lucifer because it’s easier than living with the guilt and, after all, if salvation is impossible why fight the inevitable? Or if they did hold out against Lucifer, they would do it by hiding and running.”

“Which is kinda exactly our strategy,” Sam argued.

“No, it is not. We’re fighting back.” Sam still looked skeptical. “Lucifer is down two Horsemen because of the two of you. We took a shot at Lucifer himself when we thought we had a chance. Why?”

“I screwed up, it’s on me to clean up the mess. Save as many innocent people as I can.” Sam nodded to Dean. “That’s what Winchesters do.” Dean turned a thoughtful look on Sam.

“And that is why I hold you in such high regard,” Castiel said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. To Castiel, it was. “Sam, you are not beyond redemption, even salvation. Not in my estimation.”

Once again, there was silence between them, Dean still looking at Sam thoughtfully as Sam stared at Cas in complete disbelief. As before, it was Dean who broke the silence. “He’s been saying stuff like that since we locked you in there. At least this time he’s sayin’ it to the guy who needs to hear it.”

“Cas, I…” Sam trailed off, uncertainty obvious. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m kinda not able to process this right now. And you know it’d take me a while to believe under the best circumstances.”

“Yes, I am aware,” Cas said gravely. “That is my fault, and I will try to make it up to you.”

The blood took Sam’s attention then, so Dean and Cas left the room. “He’ll come around, Cas,” Dean said as he slid the bolt closed.

“Even if he doesn’t, unless he begins actively pushing me away, things won’t change,” Castiel said. “If he could work with someone he believes merely tolerates him before, he can still.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's nice to have an excuse to write John as an asshole. Not that his parenting was ever all that great, but he always meant well, I think.


	4. Ruby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Miss me yet, Sammy? Or did big brother welcome you back with open arms and everything’s the way it was before?”

Bobby was on the way down when the next hallucination started. Castiel arrived just in time to see Ruby swing a leg over Sam to sit straddling his hips. “Miss me yet, Sammy? Or did big brother welcome you back with open arms and everything’s the way it was before?”

“Neither,” Sam gritted out. Castiel moved to stand beside him, hand on his shoulder. “Dean doesn’t have faith in me, how could he, but I would rather be alone than have a best friend I can’t trust.”

“And, what, you think you can trust _Castiel_?” Ruby asked, smirking. “He’s taking over for me, isn’t he?”

“Dean trusts him completely, and that’s good enough for me,” Sam said. He looked back at Cas. “Not that I don’t trust you just because, I’m just saying, right there is proof that I am not the best judge of character.”

“Oh. Hi, Cas.” There couldn’t have been less enthusiasm in Ruby’s voice. “If you had to bring an angel, couldn’t you have brought Anna? Her, I liked. This guy’s a stick in the mud.” She grinned maliciously. “Oh, right, Anna tried to kill you. I knew there was a reason I liked her.”

“Wrong Winchester,” Sam said, still trying to pull away from Ruby. “Dean’s the one who bonded, I barely spent any time with her.”

Ruby laughed at that. “No, you were too busy _bonding_ with me, weren’t you. You stealing Dean’s thing and bonding with… hey, wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to be _Dean’s_ angel?”

“I thought you knew the Winchesters better than that,” Castiel said, rolling his eyes. “I can’t be the angel of just one of them, even after the rift you caused.” Ruby giggled at that, for some reason Cas didn’t understand. “And since I rebelled, it doesn’t matter anymore which was my initial assignment.”

“And if Sam believes that, I’ve got some ice water for him. Fresh from Hell!” Ruby licked her lips and leaned forward.

“Just shut up,” Sam said. “I’m done listening to you, so don’t even try.”

“Yeah? Okay.” Ruby shrugged and turned her attention back to Cas. “So, Cas, Sam’s got some thoughts in here that you might be a good replacement for me. You gonna give him your blood? Let him…”

“Shut up!” Sam shouted. “You know that’s not what I mean!” He tilted his head back to better see Cas. “It was nice, having someone else I trusted to have my back, someone I could vent to when Dean pulled one of his infuriating stunts. What you said earlier… I mean, I know you’ll always be Dean’s friend first…”

“Oh, this is adorable,” Ruby simpered. “So are you telling me you _don’t_ want to…”

“Cas, bail?” Sam interrupted, and Castiel complied without hearing the rest of Ruby’s sentence.

 

Dean was waiting, and he jumped to his feet when Castiel appeared. “Who was it? I couldn’t tell from Sam shouting shut up.”

“Ruby. He’s still seeing her, but he asked me to leave,” Castiel said.

“Why?”

“Ruby was hinting at Sam drinking my blood,” Castiel explained, and Dean gagged. “If I’d known earlier what he was doing, I might have offered to let him try it. Not now, not when he’s been doing so well clean. But he was experiencing more distress at her taunting than anything she could have said to him.”

“Okay, one, ew. Two, do you even know what angel blood would do to him? Even clean of Ruby’s shit, he’d still have had Yellow Eyes’. And three…” Dean shuddered. “ _Ew._ ”

“No,” Castiel had to admit. “It could have been anything from a mild case of indigestion to being a better fuel source to outright killing him. Hence offering instead of insisting.” His eyes went to the door. “Ruby is gone.”

“Sammy?” Dean opened the door as Sam blinked his way back to lucidity.

Sam gave Dean a sheepish smile. “Can you believe I was seeing Ruby?”

“Yeah, Cas said.” Dean held up the bottle of water again. “She say anything interesting?”

Once again, Sam shook his head. “Oh, plenty. But I’m guessing you’re testing to see if I’d bring up her taunts about Cas’s blood?”

Dean put on an innocent look. “How would I know about…” He trailed off at the look on Cas’s face. “What?”

“This is what I was talking about, earlier,” Castiel said, voice rougher than usual. “It is difficult to blame you for testing Sam. Treating him like an idiot so that you don’t have to admit to it is not. You just told him that I told you who he was seeing, and I’ve told you what was said in other hallucinations; it’s not a difficult conclusion to draw that I told you what she was saying.”

“So, what, now you’re gonna take his side over mine?” Dean demanded.

Castiel shook his head in frustration. “This isn’t about taking sides, Dean. If I were taking Sam’s side, I would not have told you about the blood in the first place.”

Sam cleared his throat. “In the interests of if I continue to come clean you might be able to trust me again one day, she also continued Dad’s implications but I don’t think Cas caught that.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “There something you wanna tell me, Sammy?”

“Honestly? I thought you knew,” Sam said. “Or at least had suspicions after how I was when we got back from 1978.”

“Suspicions are one thing, but no, I didn’t know,” Dean said. “Since when are you like that?”

“Since high school and you did know that one,” Sam said. “Or did you mean because he’s not human? Because my track record is pretty well established there, too.”

As the brothers talked, Castiel grew more and more confused. “Why does my species matter?” he asked.

“Apparently, it doesn’t,” Dean said, smirk in full force. “Sammy? You gonna tell the man?”

When Sam didn’t answer, Cas reached out to touch his shoulder. “That was quick.” He disappeared into the hallucination.


	5. Mary Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My six-month-old son got me killed. And that wasn’t good enough, I was trapped as a ghost and had to save you from a poltergeist, sacrificing myself in the process. I didn’t get to move on. I’m trapped. Watching my sons go farther and farther astray."

“Mom?”

“Sammy, honey,” Mary Winchester said, looking sorrowful. “I’m so sorry. I did this to you, made the deal with that yellow-eyed bastard, and I’m sorry.”

“Dad was dead,” Sam said. “If you hadn’t made the deal, there wouldn’t have been a me or a Dean. Which… maybe the world would be better off without me, but Dean deserves to exist.”

“You do, too,” Castiel said quietly as he took Sam’s hand. “I for one prefer living in a world with you in it.”

“Of course, you then got your revenge, didn’t you,” Mary said, ignoring both Sam and Cas. “My six-month-old son got me killed. And that wasn’t good enough, I was trapped as a ghost and had to save you from a poltergeist, sacrificing myself in the process. I didn’t get to move on. I’m trapped. Watching my sons go farther and farther astray. Lucifer? Michael? Your brother’s about to give in because he can’t trust you. Your father let Michael in once, and it went terribly. Save everyone the trouble, just give yourself to Lucifer now.”

“What? That doesn’t… what?” Sam looked utterly baffled by his mom’s speech. “I recall Michael saving your life – yours and Dean’s and mine too for that matter. And, really, what does that have to do with me and Lucifer? If Dean’s about to give in because he doesn’t trust me, how is giving myself to Lucifer supposed to help?”

“Your dad had the strongest will of anyone I’ve ever known, including my own dad who was a stubborn bastard. He let Michael in. You? You’re so weak, you’re obviously going to give in, so just stop with the pretense, okay? Save everyone the trouble.”

“Why?” Sam asked. “Why shouldn’t I hold out against destroying the world?”

“You got me killed. You’ve gotten Dean killed twice, and one of those got your dad killed to fix. Your girlfriends. The women who tried to be a mother and sister to you. So many friends… even that angel beside you. Sammy, you got an _angel_ killed!”

“You did not,” Castiel said. “You weren’t even there. Anyway, I got better.”

“You know, Sammy, when I used to say that angels were watching over you, I didn’t realize how I was cursing you. Even this angel…” She gave Sam a pitying glance. “You think he loves you and Dean more than Heaven? More than God? More than Michael?” Her face twisted into a sneer. “You thought Ruby preferred you to Lilith. She died for you too, remember? How do you know Cas isn’t doing the same thing she did?”

Castiel went cold, dread settling into his heart. Sam had to have thought that at some point, the blood couldn’t have made it up. Could it? “Sam, please don’t believe her.”

“If he cared about you at all, would he be spilling your hallucinations to Dean?” Mary pressed.

Sam squeezed Cas’s hand. “Stay, Cas. Please.” Castiel squeezed back, but the smile he gave Sam was somewhat forced. “Mom, Dean needs to know what’s going on in here. He’s gonna kick my ass for this hallucination, but I am _done_ keeping secrets from him. Me or Cas, it doesn’t matter who he hears it from. About trusting Cas, that’s not my call. I’m following Dean on this one. But if it were my call, I’d trust him all the same. He’s trying to bring me and Dean together, and as long as I have Dean, there’s nothing I can’t fight.”

The pitying look from earlier came back. “Do you have Dean, though? Really?”

“No, not exactly,” Sam had to admit. “It’ll take a long time for him to forgive me, or trust me again. And I can’t blame him for that, not after how I betrayed him. But I have hope that I can earn back his trust. And that’s enough for me to hold on to. You should’ve stuck with everyone I’ve gotten killed, that actually was making me feel bad.” The hallucination began to dissolve around them.

 

Cas returned to his post at the door to find Dean up and pacing while Bobby sat staring at him in disbelief. “Cas! Why am I gonna kick Sam’s ass?”

“He hallucinated…” Cas started, but he was cut off.

“Mom. It was Mom, telling me not to trust Cas because he’s Heaven’s answer to Ruby’s long con.” Sam shook his head. “Cas, I meant what I said in there.”

Dean shrugged. “Thought had occurred to me. I’d be an idiot if it hadn’t. Why am I kicking your ass?”

Cas was nearly to the stairs before he realized he was running from the Winchesters’ mistrust. But Sam still needed him, so he forced himself to turn back around.

“Because… it was Mom,” Sam said through a voice choked with tears. “You barely let me talk about her even when you still trusted me. And now the blood that I shouldn’t have given into is trying to tarnish her? I’d kick my ass, too.”

“Idjit,” Bobby said flatly. “Dean was almost happy to hear you talkin’ to your mother.”

Dean cleared his throat. “If you were hallucinating her, it means she actually means a damn thing to you,” he said in an unusually gruff voice.

“She’s my _mom_ ,” Sam whispered. “I didn’t get the chance to really know her, not like you, but how can you even think she’s not important to me? Especially now that I got the chance to really meet her, to get to know her a little so that she’s more than just a face in a picture and a vague smell of cookies?”

Dean turned and went upstairs without another word, and Castiel went in to Sam. The hunter gave him a weak smile. “I’m glad you were in there with me, Cas. You have every right to know that the question has occurred to me, but I want to be sure you know that I find the whole idea ludicrous. You’re not just an ally, you’re Dean’s friend. My friend. Please don’t be upset that I have the question; I have my answer, too.”

Castiel nodded, brushing Sam’s hair out of his face as he’d seen Dean do several times. “But you trust me?”

“Completely. A heck of a lot more than I trust myself.” Sam looked to the stairs. “I hope Dean went to get some sleep, he needs it. I know he has faith in you, too. I should probably…”

Castiel went outside and picked up the thermos Bobby had left so long ago. “Will you see if you can keep this down? It’s chicken broth, and I’m worried about you.”

“I’ll try,” Sam said. Cas undid the restraints and helped Sam to sit up.

“Why must you be restrained?” Cas asked as he handed Sam the thermos. “You’re not a flight risk.”

Sam took a long drink from the thermos, looking a little embarrassed as he answered. “Last time, the blood was throwing me into walls, or breaking the mirror so I’d cut myself on the shards. It’s to minimize the damage I can do to myself. I’m okay with it, really, Cas.”

“There has to be a better way,” Castiel said. “I hate leaving you in here alone, tied down, completely dependent on me or Dean for even food or water.”

Sam shrugged and swallowed his current mouthful. “It’s better than being able to hurt myself or you or Bobby or Dean.”

“If you’re restrained, why shouldn’t I be able to be in here?” Castiel asked. “It’s extremely unlikely that you could injure me.”

“Dean needs you more than I do, especially when I’m in one of those screaming or pleading fits,” Sam said, as Cas should have expected he would. Frustrating human. “But if he’s off taking a break… if it will make you feel better, you’re right, you’re pretty difficult to hurt.” He drained the thermos and handed it to Cas. “Thank you, by the way. You heard what Mom said, about telling us that angels were watching over us? It’s kinda nice knowing that it’s at least sort of true.” He laid back down, laying his wrists in the restraints as he closed his eyes. Reluctantly, Castiel secured the straps, letting his hands linger on Sam’s wrist. He didn’t know of many people to whom it would occur to thank their guardian angel for watching over them in time of need. He’d always known that Sam was special. He momentarily wished he could travel back in time and tell himself how terribly wrong he had been about how and why Sam was special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever *did* happen to Mary and John?


	6. Ellen and Jo Harvelle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your father was a stubborn son of a bitch who killed my husband,” Ellen said. “Shame he didn’t kill you like he planned when he found out what that demon did to you. Jim Murphy should be ashamed of himself for talkin’ him down.”

When Dean came back a couple hours later, Sam was still sleeping with Castiel sitting beside him, fingers still resting on the sleeping man’s wrist. When he saw Dean, he stood up and walked out to him. “I gave him the broth, and he’s been asleep since then.”

Dean nodded. “What were you doing still in there with him?”

“Being there.” Dean rolled his eyes, so Castiel elaborated. “He explained the need for the restraints, but even at his strongest, when he was on the way to Ilchester, he couldn’t have actually hurt me. I see no reason I shouldn’t be in there.”

Dean sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “You’re good for him. Glad to know you give a damn.”

“Dean, he still looks to you first,” Castiel said, worried about Dean’s attitude. “I can help him better in this case, but more often, you are by far the better choice.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said, waving a dismissive arm. “I’m his brother, he’ll always look to me first, you’re not trying to take him away from me, why is this starting to feel like you’re asking me for his hand in marriage?”

Castiel had an angel’s impassiveness, but that was enough to rattle him. “I am not… why would I ask you instead of him? Not that I plan to, I cannot imagine Sam would… and it would make things very awkward.”

Dean’s mouth was hanging open a little. “Cas, are you babbling? I’m just sayin’, you were kind of sounding like a guy reassuring his girl’s dad that he’s not taking her away. Didn’t mean to spook you.” Dean gave a grunt of amusement. “’Course, the way you been talking here lately…”

He felt incredibly guilty about it, but Castiel was relieved when Sam’s screams cut Dean off. “Nightmare,” he said. “I’m not sure…” But then Sam woke up, not to temporary peace, but to a hallucination. Cas went in.

 

“Sam! Good to see you, kid. It’s been, what, a few months? Since we died to give you and your brother a chance at the devil. Didn’t work and now you’re back to old tricks?”

Castiel felt a little choked up as he stared at the two women before him. He took Sam’s hand when Sam finally managed to force out the words. “Ellen. Jo. I am so, so sorry about what happened to you, but we haven’t given up. We’re still fighting. This was…”

“Save the excuses,” Jo said. “After what you did to me when you found me after I left the Roadhouse, I’m not even a little surprised about the blood.”

“Your father was a stubborn son of a bitch who killed my husband,” Ellen said. “Shame he didn’t kill you like he planned when he found out what that demon did to you. Jim Murphy should be ashamed of himself for talkin’ him down.”

“Sam, it’s not them,” Castiel said. “That’s the blood and your own guilt complex talking, not Ellen and Jo. They loved you.”

“Castiel! Sam, if you’re going to hallucinate someone to reassure you…” Jo shook her head. “At least pick someone with a heart! Or did you give him yours?”

“What the hell?” The words exploded out of Sam before he was aware of them. “Where did _that_ come from?”

Jo laughed in delight. “Well, I just meant that would explain how you came to be so heartless, but if you’re getting that defensive… I must have hit a nerve. Wow. Did you know about this, Cas?”

Castiel didn’t know, and didn’t know what he didn’t know. “Sam has not given me his heart. Were he to do so, he would die.”

“Wow. Ouch.” Ellen smirked at Jo and added, “Always said it made no sense for Castiel to spare a thought for Sam, but… must be more extreme than I thought. _Damn_ , Cas, you’re a cold one.”

Castiel focused his attention on Sam. “Should I go?” he asked softly.

“Nah, I don’t think they’re gonna stay too much longer,” Sam said with a shrug. “They are entirely too pleased with what you said.”

That just made Castiel feel even worse. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Sam. I don’t understand how I did.”

“Don’t worry about it, Cas, I’m not hurt at all,” Sam said, as the angel had known the extremely forgiving man would. “I know what you meant.”

Jo came to stand beside Cas. “I can give you a hint, Cas,” she said with a wink and a smirk for Sam. She wrapped an arm around the angel and kissed him.

 

Dean was pacing when Castiel came back out. “Ellen and Jo?” he asked. Castiel didn’t answer, staring at the door to the panic room and trying to make sense of what had just happened. “Hey! Cas! Hey, what’s wrong? Is it Sam?” He reached out and shook the angel. “Cas!”

“Sam is all right.” Castiel went to the panic room door and pulled it open.

“Cas, I have no idea what that was,” Sam said the second he saw Castiel coming in. “I swear, I have no idea why Jo did that.”

“It shocked you out of your hallucination,” Castiel said as he reclaimed his chair. “I believe you.”

Dean looked between the two. “What did Jo do?”

Sam shook his head helplessly, so Cas answered. “She was goading Sam about giving me his heart and then she kissed me.”

Dean gave Sam an unimpressed look. “Really, Sam? You can’t think of any reason at all that the demon blood might think that Jo kissing Cas might bother you?”

“I can think of several, actually,” Sam said. “I just don’t understand the blood going after Cas like that. Dad, sure, you know Dad would’ve shot at Cas without a second thought. The only way I can see Jo kissing Cas is to annoy you after you hit on her. The blood doesn’t break character like that, at least, it never has before. It uses my fears and insecurity against me, but… that is not among them.”

Dean shook his head and turned back to Cas. “What did you say that had them so pleased, anyway?”

Sam grinned, a full dimple-baring, room-lighting smile. “Jo… oh, hell, screw the context. Cas said that if I gave him my heart I would die.”

Dean stared at Sam. “He did not.”

“I did,” Castiel confirmed. “Is it not an essential organ for life?”

Dean shook his head in disbelief, trying not to laugh. “That’s not what that means, Cas. You just threatened to kill my brother if he falls in love with you.”

Castiel stared at Sam in horror. “Oh, _thanks_ , Dean,” Sam said, but Castiel could hear the sarcasm. “That won’t make… aah!” Sam started thrashing against his restraints, and Dean headed out.

“Cas? You coming?”

Cas stood slowly, still staring at Sam as he backed out of the panic room. When Dean slammed the door closed, he recovered himself a little. “Dean, I did not mean anything like that. Sam said he understood, but do you think…”

“Nah,” Dean interrupted. “He was laughing about it, and that wasn’t his laugh-through-the-pain laugh either. The kiss threw him. What you said? He’ll still be laughing about it twenty years from now, assuming there is a twenty years from now. He knows you might shoot him down metaphorically, but you wouldn’t kill him.”

“Shoot him down?” Castiel asked, not liking the sound of that even if it was metaphorical.

“You know, he confesses his love for you and you tell him you don’t feel the same way. Happens to people all the time,” Dean explained.

Castiel turned his head to look at the door. “It’s difficult to imagine anyone shooting Sam down.”

“Yeah?” Dean said, eyebrow raised. “Well, Sam doesn’t really put himself out there much. Still not sure what the deal with Ruby was, I’m pretty sure he didn’t actually love her, but that I know about he’s only trusted two or three people with his heart. One he ended up having to shoot – werewolf,” he explained at Cas’s startled look. “One burned on the ceiling because Azazel couldn’t have him being happy, and there was this guy he fell hard for in high school. When we left that town, I was so scared Sam was gonna run away again. He was hell to live with for weeks, and he never would let me tell Dad why.”

“Your father would have disapproved of the young man?” Castiel asked.

“Dad and Sam fought all the time. It never came up with me, so we had no idea how he’d react, but there were some good reasons for Sam to be too afraid to risk it.” The blood drained from Dean’s face, and there was a menace to the growl as he forced Cas to look at him. “The people who pay attention to those things say the Bible’s got some things to say about it, so don’t you dare hold this against Sammy, you hear me? Shit, I shouldn’t have said anything to you.”

It took Castiel a few seconds to connect the dots, and the exasperation practically radiated from him. “I’ve told you. Your Bible gets more wrong than it does right. God and Heaven could not possibly care less about who you engage in sexual relationships with, so long as each party is willing. If Sam were to be judged for his choices, Ruby would be the only one inherently problematic.”

“Good.” The threat leeched out of Dean, leaving only exhaustion. “I’m gonna see if I can get some sleep, you got Sammy?”

“Yes. When you come back, could you bring more broth for Sam? It’s been several hours now and the first thermos has stayed down,” Castiel requested.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean agreed easily enough as he turned to go. He paused at the bottom of the stairs and looked back. “Good to know he has you. It’s been way easier on him this time around.”

“Part of that is him,” Castiel said. “A large part. He’s fighting against the blood, not trying to hang onto it. He’s a lot stronger than you give him credit for. What he did against Famine…”

“Yeah, yeah, miracle, got that,” Dean said. “Call me if he needs me.” He disappeared, and Castiel went back into the panic room to sit beside Sam and hold his hand as the tortured man thrashed. When the hallucination came, he was right there.


	7. Jim Murphy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You got so far off the rails, you know that? What happened to the boy who was so eager to pray with me? The young man who always kept God and his angels close to his heart?”

“Sam.”

Sam looked rather guilty as Castiel studied the unfamiliar man. “Hello, Pastor Jim. It’s, uh… it’s been a while.”

“That it has.” Jim stood over the cot. “You got so far off the rails, you know that? What happened to the boy who was so eager to pray with me? The young man who always kept God and his angels close to his heart?”

Sam looked away from both Jim and Cas, not answering. Castiel reached out to brush Sam’s hair back and answered, “Me.”

That made Sam look at Cas. “Be fair. It was at _least_ as much Uriel’s fault as yours, and then Zachariah…”

“What, this?” Jim shook his head. “Sam, are these angels? What have you ever seen from them that would make you think they were truly creatures of God?”

Sam took a moment to think about that one. “Well, for one thing, the demons call them angels. And yeah, demons lie, but on that scale?”

“That’s a terrible answer,” Jim said.

Sam shrugged. “What do you want, then? You know as well as I do lore is so hit or miss on other creatures if it doesn’t come from a reliable hunter’s source, I can’t go by the fact that they don’t really match up with the Bible or standard Jewish or Christian angelology. I have to ask, though, if they aren’t real angels, wouldn’t the real ones smite them for their constant blasphemy? And if there aren’t angels like you taught me about, who’s to say these guys aren’t angels?”

Jim shook his head. “Sam, you are so lost. Can’t you see what’s happened to you? You’ve been blinded by Lucifer, led to false worship and sin. Your father told me about the demon blood, you know. I talked him out of killing you right then. I said that you were a good person, no matter what else, and that you deserved a chance to be saved.”

“You do deserve to be saved,” Castiel said in Sam’s ear. “I know you don’t believe you can be, but even if I’m wrong and you’re right, you deserve to be.”

“You repaid me by drinking in more demon blood and starting the Apocalypse. John was right; the world would be much better off without you.” Jim made a disgusted noise. “I used to say that salvation was made for sinners. Remember? You clung to that so hard. I was wrong, though. There are limits even to God’s forgiveness.”

Castiel was shocked by that. “Sam, don’t you ever say that. Don’t you ever think that again. Just look at yourself and the amount you can forgive. If you can forgive that much, imagine what God can do.”

“Look at you,” Sam said. “If you can forgive me, how can God do less?” Castiel’s heart swelled with pride at Sam’s logic. “I still don’t believe I can be saved, but I can believe in God’s forgiveness. And maybe that’s a first step.” Once again, the hallucination dissolved and Castiel found himself back outside with Dean.

“Who was it? Sam was pretty quiet,” Dean said as he straightened up. “I missed the first part, just got here a minute ago.”

“Sam called him Pastor Jim. I didn’t know him.” Cas reached for the door, but stopped. “He’s sleeping; probably best to let him rest.”

Dean nodded and sank back into the chair, setting the thermos he held on the table. “Jim Murphy was a friend of Dad’s and easily our most frequent babysitter as kids. He and Sam had this special bond because Sam got interested in religion and Jim was a church pastor. Dad got a little upset about that, but Jim’s parish was holy ground so it was a lot safer to leave us there than anywhere else.”

“That would explain his tactic,” Castiel said. “He told Sam that my brothers and I are lying and we’re not really angels.”

Dean snorted. “The powers you have? The whole fight with demons? If you’re not angels then I was right all along, there’s no such thing.”


	8. Bobby Singer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re always sorry when you screw up. Doesn’t seem to stop you from screwing up in the first place, though.”

After several hours of sleep and several more hours of screams, Castiel was almost relieved when the hallucination started. This, at least, he could help with.

“Bobby? Hey. I’m so sorry you had to let Dean lock me in here again,” Sam said.

Bobby nodded. “You’re always sorry when you screw up. Doesn’t seem to stop you from screwing up in the first place, though.”

“I tried, Bobby, I did. And when I couldn’t do it myself, I told Dean and Cas to lock me up, and they did. If Famine hadn’t sent those demons… it was kill them or be killed.” Sam’s eyes closed as Castiel put a hand on his shoulder.

Bobby just shrugged. “Maybe you should’ve let them kill you. Not like you’d stay dead, Lucifer said he’d bring you right back, didn’t he? And then you don’t gotta be locked up like a monster.”

Cas crouched beside Sam. “If you had… what becomes of Dean and me? Sam, you do know this is a hallucination, right?”

“Dean would come right back, too; Michael.” Sam turned to look at Cas. “Hallucination? Are you sure?”

“This ain’t no hallucination,” Bobby said. “Guess Cas is just trying to spare your precious feelings from hearing the truth.”

“Sam, the real Bobby would never suggest killing yourself as a solution to a problem,” Castiel said. “If this is real, where’s Dean?”

“Sleeping like a sane person would be,” Bobby said.

Sam looked between Bobby and Cas, torn as to which to believe. “When has Dean ever been sane when it comes to you?” Castiel asked.

“He’s gone off to sleep before,” Sam said. “You’re a good influence on him.”

“There you go then,” Bobby said. “I’m real, you’re an idjit, and Feathers is messing with you.”

Sam shook his head. “Cas had a point about you. I know Dean was always your favorite, but you’ve always been there when I needed you. Unless you were possessed, you’d never approve of a plan that involved me dying on purpose.”

“Yeah, well, when the alternative is you becoming the monster you were last year? Even Dean said it was better for you to die human than to become that freak.”

That got Sam’s full attention. “Dean said that? I remember Dean saying I was a monster, and always had been. That he was done pretending we were brothers.”

“Remember the voice mail,” Castiel said softly. “Dean never said any of that, either. Most likely your memories were a blood hallucination of Dean.”

Sam swallowed hard, and Castiel could see the hope in his eyes. “You’re not Bobby. You’re the demon blood, and if you’re bringing out Bobby… you must be getting desperate.” He closed his eyes, moving his head to where he could feel Castiel’s arm against it. The hallucination dissolved as Sam fell back to sleep.

 

When Castiel arrived outside, both Dean and Bobby were there, Dean pacing like a caged tiger. “I _never_ called Sam a monster! Even at the worst of it, I said we were still brothers! What the hell is Sam talking about?”

“Do you remember what you said when you called him and left him the voicemail?” Cas asked.

Dean stared at him. “Of course I do. It wasn’t enough to get through to him, but I _never_ said...”

“When Sam wakes up, go in there and repeat it for him,” Cas said.

“Why? If he hasn’t brought it up by now, then either he didn’t check his voice mail or he doesn’t care enough to talk about it, and Sammy wants to talk about _everything_ ,” Dean said, voice breaking just a little.

Cas shook his head. “Sam should be the one to tell you what he heard that day. I want him to see your reaction. I will say that what he heard was not at all what you said.”

“The hell did ‘I’ say to him, in the hallucination?” Bobby asked.

Castiel looked toward the panic room door, torn about this one. Eventually, though, he turned back to Bobby. “‘You’ had a suggestion for how we could have avoided this. ‘You’ said that he should have let the demons kill him.”

“You talked him out of believing it, I hope,” Bobby said, once the anger had cleared enough to speak. “Damn I wish demon blood were something I could shoot. I love that boy like a son, I would never tell him to kill himself.”

“I’m going to kick Sam’s ass for this one,” Dean said as he punched the wall. “Letting them kill him gets him brought to Famine, who delivers him to Lucifer, who may not be able to possess him without him saying yes but he can sure forcefeed him the blood until he’s gone enough to drink it of his own free will.”

 

Sam woke up a few minutes later. Castiel opened the door and motioned Dean in. Dean gave Cas a skeptical look but went in. “Hey, Sammy. You think you can drink some more broth?”

“Yeah, worst that happens is it comes back up,” Sam said, and Castiel worked to get his restraints off. Dean handed him the thermos, and then just stared at Sam for a while. “What?”

“Cas told me to repeat my voice mail from… you know.” He saw Sam flinch and lower the thermos, but his brother nodded permission. “I’m still pissed, and I still owe you one hell of a beatdown, but I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m not Dad. We’re brothers, you know? We’re family. Sammy, I’m sorry.”

Sam’s head came up and he just stared at Dean for a long time. “That’s not at all what I heard, Dean. If I’d heard that…”

“Cas wouldn’t tell me what you heard,” Dean said. “Just that it was different. What did you hear?”

Sam took a very long drink of the broth. “You said… I’m not gonna repeat it word for word, I can’t, but you called me a bloodsucking freak and a monster, and you reminded me of Dad’s final words to you and said you were done trying to save me.”

If Dean had been angry before, Castiel could only define Dean’s state now as wrath. It was impressive. “And you believed I’d say that?”

“Considering that before that the last thing you said to me was Dad’s ultimatum about leaving for Stanford, and before that… Cas says it was a hallucination and I hope to god he’s right, but I was here, first detox, and you said I was a monster, had always been a monster, and you were done pretending we were brothers.” Sam shook his head. “The voicemail seemed to fit right in.”

“That has to be a hallucination,” Dean managed to force out, voice shaking with rage. “Bobby was there, he can tell you that while you were down here screaming, and he said we were killing you, I told him that I’d rather you die human than become a monster.”

“Fake Bobby said that,” Sam said. “He was trying to…”

The real Bobby spoke up from the doorway. “Cas told us what that asshat tried to make you believe I was thinkin’. Get this in your head and make it stick there, boy. You dyin’ is _never_ part of the plan, or we’re not using that plan. Got it?”

“Yeah, Bobby, I got it,” Sam said. “Cas had an easy time with this one compared to what’s coming.”

“What’s coming?” Dean asked.

“Well, it’s pulling out the big guns,” Sam said. “Which means that up next is going to be Cas vs. Cas, and I think we all know which Cas is going to be easier for me to believe.” Castiel was startled… when Bobby had appeared, Castiel had figured he wouldn’t be in the hallucinations at all. There was no way this could have happened over the course of the detox. He remembered Alastair’s taunting, and began to wonder again just what the demon was going to say. It couldn’t have been bad, unless it was a lie. Not if he was this late into the hallucinations. “And that just leaves you, which makes me very glad we had this talk now because that takes away some of the blood’s bullets from your gun. See? Sometimes talking is good.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, Samantha,” Dean said, ruffling Sam’s hair. “We should’ve done this months ago.”

“Would you have believed me, months ago, if I told you what I heard?” Sam asked.

Dean opened his mouth, closed it, and then said, “Fair point. Probably not.”

“But you believe me now?” Sam continued, voice barely above a whisper.

“I believe you, Sammy,” Dean said equally quietly. “I’ve been thinking a lot about some things Cas said earlier, and what you said. I can’t ever forget that you chose Ruby over me, but I can look at what you’ve done since then. Cas said Ruby’s still coming between us, even though we ganked that bitch, and he’s right. And I am _not_ letting Ruby win. Maybe it’s the strangest reason to start working on forgiving someone, but there it is.”

Sam ducked his head, but he was laughing. “Now we just need to gank Zachariah, and figure out how to kill or contain Lucifer, and our lives can get back to normal. Well, normal for us, anyway.” He tensed up suddenly. When it had passed, he handed Dean the thermos. “Lock me down, quickly,” he pleaded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting toward the end here. There are some people I left out, mostly because it didn't occur to me to put them in, like Jess. So if there's someone I forgot that you were really hoping to see, leave me a comment and let me know! I had a lot of fun writing the hallucinations especially when I had no idea where they were gonna go before I started writing (John and the Harvelles are the two that took the biggest left turn on me) and I'm planning on writing a "deleted scene" or something for Jess, because that's one I feel really bad about forgetting. Happy to take suggestions for others!


	9. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sure I can come up with something.” Castiel definitely didn’t like the possessive way the hallucination’s hand slid across Sam’s chest. “After all, that is what you want from me, isn’t it?”

Dean looked over to Cas. “How are you going to convince him you’re the real Cas?”

“I don’t know. I suppose it depends on what the other Cas is saying,” Castiel said. “If he’s treating Sam the way I used to, it may be difficult. And if he’s treating Sam the way I have been during this detox… I don’t know if I can.”

“Well if the blood goes for the comforting, supportive Cas, as long as you stay in there to make him stay that way this may be the easiest hallucination ever,” Dean said with a huff of laughter. “You looked surprised when Sam said you’d be next.”

“I never expected to be after Bobby,” Cas admitted. “Given what he’s believed I thought of him all this time… how did I get here?” There was no time to wait for Dean’s answer as the hallucination started.

 

“Hey Cas,” Sam said. Castiel wasn’t sure whether Sam spoke to him or to the other version of him. He took a moment to study himself. Somehow, the other version seemed taller, stronger, the blue of the hallucination’s eyes almost seemed to glow. The other him looked like a powerful and holy creature, while Castiel knew he only looked like a man. The only explanation he could think of was that this was how Sam saw him, which both gratified and terrified him.

“Sam,” the other Cas said gently. He rested a hand on Sam’s shoulder, a small smile crossing his face. “Sam, are you all right?”

“Yeah,” Sam said, smiling up at the other Cas. “I’m good, Cas. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me during this detox.”

“I don’t know about that,” HalluciCas said, and Castiel frowned. He didn’t like the predatory look on his doppelganger’s face as his free hand moved to brush through Sam’s hair. “From what I’ve seen of you, you can be quite the grateful man.”

“Not what I meant, Cas, of course I’m grateful for all of this,” Sam said. “I can’t imagine how I could repay you, that’s all.” Castiel shook his head. No repayment was necessary, not between friends.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” HalluciCas said. “I’m sure I can come up with something.” Castiel definitely didn’t like the possessive way the hallucination’s hand slid across Sam’s chest. “After all, that is what you want from me, isn’t it?”

Sam seemed to know what HalluciCas meant, even if Castiel didn’t, and he went a little pale. “You know?”

“Alastair? Jo? Your father, Ruby… there have certainly been enough hints thrown out over the past few days,” HalluciCas said, and Sam huffed in resignation. “I may be naïve, but I’m not stupid.” He bent forward, lips only centimeters away from Sam’s ear as he whispered, “Not like you.”

“Cas?”

“Sam, you saved my life against Famine. Using demon blood. Now I have to get you through this detox without letting Lucifer get in your head. Did you really think I _meant_ all of this? Of course, I’m perfectly willing to use you, especially knowing you’ll like it.” The hallucination’s hands tightened around Sam’s arms.

Castiel’s eyes went wide as he realized what was going on. The next thing he knew, the entire room had gone red. When the haze cleared, the hallucination of him was slumped on the floor against the wall, and Sam was staring at him in fear. “Sam, I apologize. I should have intervened much earlier.”

“Cas…?” Sam asked, hesitant, unsure.

Castiel came to stand beside him and reached for Sam’s hand. He stopped short, glancing at the hallucination. “May I?”

“Um, yeah… you have been all this time, why not now?” Sam asked, but Castiel could hear the slight tremble in his voice.

“That was before the demon blood hallucination of me,” Castiel said as he gently took Sam’s hand. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Sam lied. Badly. “Cas, if you’re real, why didn’t the hallucination dissolve when you knocked him unconscious? Shouldn’t this be over?”

Now that Sam mentioned it… it should. “I don’t know, Sam. He could be feigning unconsciousness to make you doubt me.”

“Not likely, not with what you did to him,” Sam said. “I know you’re tough, but even you break eventually. And you kind of… it was terrifying.”

“He intended to hurt you,” Cas growled. “You being hurt is bad enough, but the blood using me to do it… I don’t know that I’ve ever been so angry.”

“Aren’t you going to try to tell me he was lying?” Sam asked. “He said some things…”

“I know what he said,” Castiel said, not quite able to stop some of the rage from slipping into his voice. “And I will address them – _after_ the hallucination is over. I want you to be absolutely certain that it is me speaking to you.”

“Oh,” Sam said, shying away just a little.

Castiel forced the rage back down. “Sam, none of this anger is directed at you. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I apologize once again for scaring you.”

“So you’re not mad at me?” Sam asked.

Castiel tilted his head. “Is there a reason I should be?”

“I… he… never mind, this can wait until the hallucination’s over,” Sam said, turning his head away so he couldn’t see Cas.

The other Cas got up slowly. “Sammy… oh Sammy, you’re an idiot. Hoping even now that I really do like you. I have to say, having your hallucination beat the crap out of me was a nice touch on the blood’s part, but you know I’m the real one.”

Sam looked between the two Castiels. His face hardened, and he glared at the hallucinatory Cas. “Only Dean gets to call me Sammy,” he spat. The hallucination dissolved.

 

“What happened?” Dean said when Castiel reappeared. “How’d you convince him?”

“I didn’t, exactly,” Castiel said, starting to unlock the door. He stopped when he realized Sam was asleep and turned back to Dean. “The blood may have lost this one, but… did you know?”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Gonna need you to clarify that a bit. Did I know what?”

“That Sam… I’m not entirely certain, I suppose it could just be… but since it’s Sam and not you…”

“Not exactly helping, Cas. Complete sentences, man, finish your thoughts.”

“Sam loves me,” Castiel said. “I think.”

“Oh god, what did the blood _do_?” Dean asked, going pale. “Is Sam…?”

Castiel shook his head. “The hallucination told him that I didn’t truly mean what I’ve been saying, but that since it has been helpful, Sam could repay him with sex. Not in so many words, but the implication was quite clear. Clear enough that even I could understand it, and I am apparently rather oblivious to such things. I’m not… I don’t know what I did to the hallucination when he went to hold Sam down, but Sam was frightened.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Dean asked.

“I mean _I don’t know_! One minute the hallucination was leaning over Sam, and the next he was lying at the base of the wall having been beaten unconscious and Sam was looking at me like he was afraid of me.” Castiel stared at the floor.

“Holy crap, Cas.”

“I’m scared, too,” Castiel admitted. “What’s Sam going to think of when he wakes up? He’s… there’s so much I need to make him understand. And I don’t know if he’ll believe me. What if… Dean, what if I scared him so badly that he no longer…”

“Cas. Sam doesn’t spook easy, I doubt you scared him as bad as you think,” Dean said. “So, you, uh, you’re okay with him…”

“The love of Sam Winchester is not an easy prize to win. I’ve no idea how I managed it, but I’m well aware how precious it is. I only wish I had something of equal worth to offer him.”

Dean looked somewhat disappointed. “So, you don’t love him back?”

“Of course I do,” Castiel said, surprised that Dean would say that. Then what he’d just said hit him. “I love Sam. And yes, I know. Tell _him_ that.” Dean chuckled and looked toward the door.

 

As soon as Sam was awake, Castiel got the door open and was in his chair beside the cot. Dean poked his head in. “Hey, Sammy. I know you and Cas need to talk, just wanted to see if you needed anything.”

Sam shook his head, and Dean closed the door. Sam closed his eyes and whispered, “Please tell me you were the scary one.”

“That would depend on which one you consider the scary one,” Castiel said.

“The… the one who nearly killed the other one.”

“Yes. That one was me.” Castiel wondered, just for a second, why Sam was more scared by violence toward a hallucination than the threat against himself, but decided that there were more important things to address first. “Sam, I’m not here because you saved my life. I’m here because you are one of the most important things in my life, and because I know if I were the one in distress, you would be there for me. I neither ask for nor expect any sort of repayment, any more than Dean expects you to repay him for taking care of you when you were children.”

“Were you there the whole time?” Sam asked, his voice a little stronger.

“Yes. I didn’t intervene because the other me was… I thought he was doing what I would have, and I didn’t want to confuse you.” Castiel wished Sam would open his eyes. If Sam wouldn’t even look at him… “There were a couple of things that I wasn’t sure I liked, but despite what he said, I can be rather stupid. I didn’t realize what he was doing until he went to hold you down.”

“At which point you Hulked out on him,” Sam said with a weak chuckle. “I’m sorry.”

Castiel had intended to ask what Sam meant by his first comment, and to ask about Sam’s fear priorities, but the nonsensical apology shoved everything else out of his head. “Sam. What on earth could you possibly be sorry for?”

“For putting you in that position? Making you watch… I know it’s not okay, and I never meant for you to find out.”

“Sam…”

“I shouldn’t have asked you to come into my hallucinations.”

“Sam.”

“You must think I…”

“SAM!” Sam stopped and his eyes flew open. “Sam, you have done nothing for which you need to apologize. The blood uses your fears and insecurities against you. Given that until recently you believed I found you barely tolerable only for Dean’s sake, I would be quite stupid to be surprised that the blood would try to tell you that the past few days have been a lie. I wish I had as easy an explanation for why the blood thought that if I knew of your love for me, I would…” Castiel stopped, unable to actually say it. “Although perhaps that was directed more at me, to provoke the reaction it got.”

Sam closed his eyes again, and Castiel sighed at the defeated look on his face. “So you know. Cas, I…”

“If you are about to say you’re sorry, then I’m not the only stupid one in this room,” Castiel said. “I didn’t know, not until I realized what your hallucination was about to do, but that’s what Alastair was going to tell me, isn’t it.” Sam nodded. “Sam, I’m honored. I don’t know what I did to earn your love, especially given what you believed I thought of you, but I do know that love is a sacred gift.”

Hope and disbelief warred on Sam’s face as his eyes opened. “But you were so angry…”

Castiel forced back the hurt. “You think I was angry that you love me? No. Never, Sam. I was angry that he was going to use that love against you, profane and ruin something holy and pure. Take by force what should only ever be freely given. And the blood was going to use me to do it, which would ruin everything I’ve been trying to build with you.”

Hope was starting to win out. “You’re really okay with… with me?”

This time, Castiel couldn’t stop himself in time as he reached out to take Sam’s hand, holding it in both of his. Sam didn’t seem to mind, though. “Okay is not the word I would use. That seems to imply that it’s something less than the best thing I could have ever asked for. I just wish I had more to offer in exchange than my own love.” When Sam screamed, for one irrational moment Castiel tried to figure out how it could be _that_ bad. Then he realized that the blood had reclaimed Sam and the conversation was over, for now.

 

“Well?” Dean asked.

“When this is over, remind me to time travel so that I can take some swings at Azazel, Uriel, Ruby, your father, and myself,” Castiel said, reluctantly closing the door behind him. Dean raised an eyebrow. “Only Sam could watch me pull someone off of him and all but smite the attacker and come to the conclusion that I was angry at Sam for loving me.”

Dean’s jaw dropped. “You have to be shitting me.”

“I think I got through to him just how far off-base he was,” Castiel said. “I hope so. But the blood took him before I could start trying to convince him of my own feelings.”

Dean let his head fall against the wall a time or two. “Which, of course, means that next time Sam’s awake he’ll have convinced himself that you’re just being nice. You forgot to include me on the list, god knows I’ve done terrible shit to him over the last couple years.”

Castiel shook his head. “The only person I know who’s better than Sam at twisting events around to believe the worst possible interpretation for himself is you. The last couple of years may have been bad, but before that, you helped Sam believe in himself. I may tell you off for treating him badly, but I have no desire to hurt you over it.”

“Huh. Speaking of hurting…” Dean looked toward the door. “I’m not actually worried about this, but it’s my job as his big brother. You break his heart, I’ll break your face. Got it?”

“Of course. I’ll try to get you an angel blade so that you can actually hurt me if it comes to that,” Castiel said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Demon blood is evil. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.


	10. Dean Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought nothing could be worse than you choosing Ruby over me. But this? This is.”

Dean hovered over Sam, waiting for him to focus. “Hey, Sammy,” he said once Sam’s eyes looked clear.

“Dean? What are you doing in here?” Sam asked.

“Remindin’ myself what you are,” Dean said. “You’re an addict, a weak-willed coward who’s been ruining my life since I was four years old.”

Sam flinched away and Castiel came to stand behind him with a hand on his shoulder. “Sam, it’s not Dean.”

“I thought nothing could be worse than you choosing Ruby over me,” Dean snarled. “But this? This is.”

Sam looked questioningly at Cas, who shook his head. He had no idea what Dean was talking about either. “Dean, what did I do now?” Sam asked, and Cas shook his head. Why even ask?

Dean’s eyes went to Castiel, and Sam looked between them. Castiel tilted his head. “Why are you looking at me? I don’t know what you mean either. I don’t particularly care, since you’re not Dean.”

“God, you’re both so dense sometimes,” Dean said with an eyeroll. “What is this, Sammy, vengeance for Rachel Nave or something?”

“Rachel… Dean, that was like nine years ago,” Sam said. “If I wanted to get vengeance, I’d have done it by now. And that doesn’t really help me with what’s going on here…”

“No? Put that Stanford brain of yours to use, Sammy,” Dean taunted. “I stole Rachel, so you…”

“Haven’t even talked to Lisa since that hunt in her neighborhood,” Sam said, now completely confused. “I have never gotten in between you and a hookup, either.”

Castiel was beginning to get a horrible suspicion. “I believe he means me.”

“Well, at least one of you has some brains,” Dean said.

Sam looked up at Cas, a somewhat hurt look in his eyes. “You and Dean?”

“No.”

“Oh, quit lyin’ to the boy, I know I told you he could never know but that changed when he tried to steal you away from me,” Dean said, coming up behind Cas and slipping his arms around the angel’s waist. “Really, Sammy? An angel’s gonna want the Righteous Man, not the Boy with the Demon Blood.”

Castiel tried to control his temper. “Dean, let go of me. Sam, there is nothing of this nature between me and Dean, or I would have insisted that you be informed.”

“Yeah, right,” Dean said. “That’s not what you were sayin’ last night.”

“Cas, if this is a hallucination…”

“It is,” Castiel said. “Do you want me to leave?”

“Right, like that’s gonna prove anything,” Dean said. “Cas’ll just fuck off to Canada or something for a bit and come back in half an hour.”

Sam looked stricken at that. Cas removed Dean’s arms and crouched beside Sam. “I’ll leave if that’s what you want, Sam. But when has Dean ever actually claimed his title of the Righteous Man? Doesn’t he usually try to avoid talking about anything related to his time in Hell?”

“Cas… thank you,” Sam said. “You’re right. He’s never thrown what angels call me at me, either.”

If he were human, Castiel would be breathing a sigh of relief. He reached out, very gently touching Sam’s face. “Is this something you’re truly concerned about?”

“Yeah, I mean, Fake Dean there did have a point,” Sam said. “You raised him from Hell, you rebelled for him, if you’re gonna fall for someone he’s the obvious choice. And then I’m…”

“One of the two best men I’ve ever known,” Castiel said firmly. “You’re not the boy with the demon blood anymore, at least not to me. Dean was my first friend. I’ll probably always consider him my best friend. You are the one who has claimed my heart.”

 

There was no transition from being with Sam in the hallucination and being with Dean outside the panic room listening to Sam screaming louder than ever before. “He gonna be pissed at me for something the hallucination said?” Dean asked.

“Doubtful,” Castiel said. “With time, he may even come to consider this one amusing.”

That got a skeptical face from Dean. “Seriously?”

“The hallucinatory you was laying into him for committing a worse betrayal than choosing Ruby,” Castiel explained. “Stealing me from you.”

Dean stared at Castiel in disbelieving silence for a good minute. “You’re joking.”

“No. I was at least able to convince him it was a hallucination when you called yourself the Righteous Man.”

“Well, I should hope so,” Dean said. “Sam seriously thinks we’re…”

“No. He thinks it makes more sense than my loving him.”

Dean shook his head. “That’s dumb. Only an idiot or Sam would think that.” Castiel didn’t answer, though he certainly agreed. “On the other hand, at least he’s actually got it in his head that you love him?”

“Maybe.” Castiel turned away from the door. “Dean… did you know?”

“I didn’t know, exactly,” Dean said easily. “He kind of had a thing for you before he met you, because you… y’know. Rescued me. Then you and Uriel were dicks to him and he got over it. Didn’t think much of it again until Anna. Once he’d stopped freaking out about having been dead again and everyone saying we’ll say yes, he went a little psycho because you wouldn’t wake up for like two days.”

“He died?” Castiel asked, eyes going wide. “What happened?”

“Anna got him, Michael killed her and fixed him up,” Dean forced out. “It sucked.”

Castiel nodded, lost in his own thoughts. He knew the brothers kept secrets from each other sometimes; that was how Ruby had gotten between them. But he thought Sam at least had learned his lesson and told Dean everything important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliche? Yeah. Sorry.
> 
> One chapter left! Thanks for coming with me on this journey, especially those of you who've left kudos and comments. I love you all.


	11. Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He’s clean. He’ll awaken in a minute or two, the final attack took quite a bit out of him.”

It was hours before the screams subsided, and several minutes of eerie silence before Castiel moved for the door. “I think it’s over,” he said, moving to unlock the door.

Dean went in first, throwing a curious look back at Cas when he saw Sam was out. “Cas?”

“Over as in the demon blood is gone,” Castiel clarified. “Not just this last attack, the whole thing. Let me check properly…” He moved to Sam’s side, reaching out to touch two fingers to Sam’s forehead. Dean shot him a raised eyebrow, which the angel ignored as he went to undo the restraints on Sam. “He’s clean. He’ll awaken in a minute or two, the final attack took quite a bit out of him.” He went to the chair he’d used, pulling it away from the cot before sitting in it.

“Cas, what…” Dean didn’t get the chance to finish his question as Sam’s eyes fluttered open and he coughed. “Sammy?”

“Hey, Dean,” Sam said, voice hoarse from the screams. “Water?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, getting a bottle and tossing it to his brother. Sam instinctively caught it, then looked sharply at Dean. “Cas says you’re clean, so…”

Sam looked over to where Castiel sat. “Are you sure, Cas? I don’t… I don’t want to hurt someone, or myself…”

“I’m sure. You are fully yourself again.” Castiel watched Sam carefully as he processed that. “How do you feel?”

“Like I could sleep for a week, except for the fact that I’m starving,” Sam said as he swung himself up to sitting. “Other than that, normal. At least, normal for me.”

“Good to hear, bro,” Dean said. “Hey. Listen. I meant what I said a while back, I haven’t been giving you the credit you deserve for trying to redeem yourself. My turn to work on changing, stop treating you like the snot-nosed little brother that I have to taking care of and keep on the straight and narrow. Not saying I’m gonna stop lookin’ out for you, you’re my brother and nothing will ever change that. But you’re a grown man now, and I need to respect that.”

“Thanks, Dean,” Sam said, trying to hold back the tears. “And the day you stop looking out for me is the day I’m strapping you down in here until I figure out what the hell has invaded your body and turned you into a pod person.”

“Okay then!” Dean clapped his hands together. “I’m gonna go let Bobby know you’re good, you two have fun and make sure you’re fit to be around others before you come up.” Sam threw the bottle cap at Dean as he retreated and headed upstairs.

Sam stood up and stretched. “How long was it?”

“About four and a half days,” Castiel said. “I tried to keep you as healed as I could, is there anything I missed that you can feel?”

That made Sam grin. “I was wondering why I wasn’t bruised all to hell from the restraints. Yet another thing I owe you for.”

“No, you don’t,” Castiel said, standing up. “You owe me nothing.”

Sam’s smile faltered a little. “I know. I remember what you said after… after the hallucination. Cas, what’s wrong?”

Castiel didn’t want to answer, but he had to. “Sam, you just spent days suffering very intense physical and emotional distress. I did everything I could think of to help you. If you… I could see how…”

“Oh. I… I guess I should have known. Still, thank you.” Sam turned away, but not before Castiel saw the pain that threatened to flood his eyes. He didn’t understand.

Maybe Sam hadn’t understood him? “The things you said… if they were because of the blood, or the distress it caused… I understand.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” Sam asked.

“I understand if you don’t, but I need to know. Do you love me, or was it a reaction to the blood?”

That got an unexpected, but brilliant, smile from the man. “You know Lucifer comes to me in dreams, right? Tries to convince me to say yes?” Castiel nodded, despite having no clue what this had to do with the topic at hand. Sam could sometimes take forever to get to the point, especially if it was one he didn’t want to get to. “A while back, not long after Dean shot him, he came to visit. He’s promised that he’ll never lie to me, that he doesn’t need to, and I don’t know why but I believe him. I asked him what he’d done to you, since you didn’t tell us before taking off. He changed the dream, let me see you in that ring of holy fire and hear as he tried to convince you to turn. I heard you say that he was not taking me, that you wouldn’t let him. I don’t know why he let me hear that, because I’m pretty sure that taking the gratitude and attraction and awe and respect I had for you and turning them into love was not what he had in mind. But that’s what happened.” Sam laughed a little. “Of course, come morning, I’d managed to convince myself that it was because of Dean and not letting the Apocalypse happen, not anything to do with me personally. So I kept it to myself, no sense making things uncomfortable or awkward for you or Dean. I thought Dean had figured it out when I kind of lost my mind because you wouldn’t wake up after coming back from 1978, but I guess I was wrong. So, uh… pretty sure it’s nothing to do with the blood.”

Angel or not, Castiel couldn’t stop the relief from escaping in a sigh. “So, I suppose the next question is to ask what you would like to do now.”

Sam looked at him, not understanding. “Does it matter? Because… you don’t… you were saying you don’t feel the same when the blood kinda interrupted.”

“No, I was saying that I’m not sure my love is a fair exchange, but that it’s all I have to offer, so if you want it, it is yours,” Castiel said.

Sam stared at him as once again disbelief and hope warred on his face. Finally he seemed to come to a decision. “Come with me.” Castiel followed as Sam led him outside into the yard. “Dean’s gonna tease the crap out of me if he ever finds out, but I couldn’t do this in the panic room. Too many memories of screams and pain and heartbreak.” Castiel waited, and Sam reached out and took both of Castiel’s hands in his. “Castiel, can I kiss you?”

“Of course,” Castiel said, an actual smile crossing his face. He stretched upward as Sam bent his head, and their noses bumped. Sam laughed and corrected course. It was still awkward, a little, until Sam drew back a little.

“Just relax, Cas,” he whispered. “Close your eyes and just go with it.” This time, when their lips met, it was much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I suck at endings.
> 
> Also sorry for posting this a day late; I spent about three hours yesterday not either at work or in bed.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading! I'm glad y'all came with me on this trip through Sam's brain. Like I said earlier, at some point, I'll be posting a "deleted scene" hallucination with Jess; if there's someone you want to see just leave a comment and I'll try to get something up.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it.
> 
> Comments are awesome! I like hearing what y'all think.


End file.
